Ebenezer

I had a dream today.
It took me back in time.
I remembered the very moment when
I messed up everything that could have been mine.

The only difference between myself
and that classic holiday tale
is that Ebenezer could be saved
and I have always failed.

In real life there is no going back.
I can’t undo my greatest mistake.
I can only dream of what should have been
And hope that I don’t awake.

For in my dreams I’m a wife and mother.
In my dreams, I never walked away.
In my dreams, he became my lover
and I never went astray.

Too stuck in my past
Too confused by the wrong man.
In a delusion that wouldn’t last,
I walked away and never looked back.

A few years ago I finally apologized.
My words too little too late to fix fate.
At least today I know where he is and that he’s happy.
But my awakening was far far too late.

Unlike Mr. Scrooge, my fate is all but sealed.
I’m a shell of who I could have been.
Too much like who I used to be,
Too much like I was then.

I’m single.  I’m overweight.
I look in the mirror and feel nothing.
For how do I not hate,
The person who made such a horrible mistake.

I slap on a smile, maybe even a laugh.
I have moments of happiness.
But none that will ever really last.
I’m just an old fool, lonely and afraid.

I work myself to death,
No one cares or respects.
I am in a career limbo
on top of everything else.

If only the ghost of Christmas past,
Could rewrite history for me.
I’d go back to that night at dinner,
Ever present, open, and loving I’d be.

I’d walk away from the wrong guy,
I’d give the right one a real chance.
I’d accept someone so kind to me,
For it was apparently my last dance.

But we can’t go back in time.
I can never make it right.
I must watch someone else live
what should have been my life.

I could have been a wife, a mother, been loved.
I could have had a family all my own.
I wouldn’t wonder what happiness could be like.
I wouldn’t ever have to be alone.

But I made a horrible judgement,
I continued mistake after mistake.
We can’t go back in time.
We can never ever erase.

And I feel like I’m old and bitter.
I feel about 83.
Because I think my life is stagnant,
And this is all it’ll ever be.