I’m a loner, yet I am outgoing.
I’m a quiet thinker, yet I’m bold and persuasive.
I’m loud, and yet I’m thoughtful.
I’m tired, and yet I’m energized.
I’m a quandary of so many opposite things.
So when I’m feeling too many at once – stress, tired, anxious, excited, frustrated, whatever else – I don’t know whether to cry, laugh, or scream.
If I hold my emotions in, they eat at me.
I forget little things, but how I felt in a moment stays with me forever.
It eats at me like a parasite.
It drains me if it’s something I should have, could have said.
It drives me if I still could.
I’m independent to a fault. No one thinks I need to be romanced, held, or coddled.
But every woman needs a little of that.
My strength is a virtue, until it’s not.
I’m an open book in many ways, too willing to share my story.
But when I need to tell something hard to someone I care about, then I freeze.
I’m not one to think highly of my beauty, I often question it at all.
But I rarely question my intelligence, it’s gotten me this far.
I’m the kind of person who would love to be a hermit, until I didn’t anymore.
I think it would just happen like an eclipse of the sun.
It might be years in the making or a rare one time occurrence.
I’m quite the complex body, and quite capable of coming undone.
But no one sees that side of me, most especially those I hold dear.
I find I need even more strength and courage for them.
So when do I get to be vulnerable? When do I get to shed a tear?
Maybe that’s why sometimes it just hits me – the weight of the world at once.
I find myself crying to a song not because it’s that sad or because it relates at that moment,
But because I needed to cry, to let it out, to be free.
When you are so many sides of a rubix cube, perhaps one never solved,
how do you ever find the side that the world should see, always?
I’m multifaceted. I’m complex.
I’m exhausting and hard to digest.
I’m difficult and a wad of stress most days.
I don’t relax well, I don’t breath or smell the roses.
Not because I don’t want to – I even try, but because I don’t know how.
It might sound foolish or not possible at all,
but I tried yoga, meditation, I’ve tried many things.
Relaxed me is still not very relaxed at all.
And as I age, approaching the big 4-0, it becomes more imminent
that I find a way to unwind.
Life and all the bad things that can happen are looming as much as all the good.
but what if I am not capable of slowing down?
I am meticulous, I’m diligent, I’m calculated.
Am I capable of taking a breath, letting things go, waiting a while?
if only I knew…..