Ever feel like you are on the Titanic, reaching desperately for the life boat as it floats away? I think I put too much of myself into work because it is my legacy since I have no husband, no children. I’m forced to remember how much more important those things are to me. I try to push that part of me down, aside, whatever. I focus on work. I work my butt off. I put my everything into every aspect of what I do. It’s who I am and it’s a pale piece of what I wanted to be. I’m my loneliest when I’m reminded that work is but a job and doesn’t bring me happiness. I’m my loneliest when work turns on me whether by beating me down with countless thankless hours, additional work as my only reward, or as in today the knowledge that when the ship shinks I will be the captain who never had an anchor, never had the wheel, and never had any fuel.
And as the theme lurks in the back of my mind, all about how one’s heart will go on, it’s abundantly clear to me my heart was broken long ago and the damage never repaired. I invested myself in my work but was assigned something that could never succeed. I knew it from day one. I said it from day one. I proved it repeatedly. I used all the right tools to show them the failings, to show them where the path went astray. In the end the tools don’t matter. The path doesn’t matter. All that matters is the end result. Sad isn’t it?
We teach children that the journey is supposed to matter. Heck, it should be more important than the end result. After all, the end does not always justify the means. All that jazz. But as adults I’m not convinced everyone believes these teachings. The world we live in is a bitter angry place and it is every man for himself.
I’m a strong person and when I’m not I act the part. That actually is probably my biggest weakness here. People think I’ll be ok. People think I can take it. People beat me down mentally, emotionally, publically, because I’m the one person that it won’t touch. I’m not phased by these things. I’m strong after all. It’s ironic that the world falls for such tricks. That a simple look or a staunch mindset meant to protect us from all the things that broke and beat us before wind up being the things that break us now.
I’m truly at a loss tonight. I’m saddened by the words ringing in my head from today. I’m saddened by the evils of this cold dark world. But I’m most saddened by the reminder that when my time comes, all I’ll have to show for it is a job not always appreciated, not well remembered, and all in all just a job.
And even when I got my rewards or certificates, or some kind of mention of appreciation, I would come home and want desperately to show it to someone. Tonight I wanted the comfort of knowing that when it all implodes I won’t be alone. I wanted the comfort of knowing that all my hard work means something, but the truth is it is nothing. It means nothing.
When I’m old and gray and looking back on life, I’ll be wishing I traveled more. I want to go to Spain, Italy, speak Spanish again. I want to be amazed by something not man-made. I want to be loved. I want to feel love. I want to give back said love. And not because someone tricked me or because it’s supposed to be or because …..I don’t know.
I’ve pretty much failed miserably at the online attempt of recent times. I gave up after a few short weeks. It’s just not me. It feels so forced. Love shouldn’t be so hard, at least not in the beginning. Maybe I only know what the movies say, but I want to have that connection with someone. I don’t care if they aren’t perfect. I don’t care if they are overweight, heck I’d feel a little less pressure myself maybe. I don’t care if they have flaws. Flaws can be beautiful.
When I love someone I give 150% of myself and that is my flaw. I set myself up to be the one who loves more. You never want to be the one who loves more. See they are the one that is left behind. I never smothered, heck I like my alone time. I like to think I give plenty of space in a relationship. Maybe I give too much, so it’s easy to walk away. I’ve wondered sometimes if I just maybe did some horrible wrong in another life and this God awful loneliness that never quite goes away is my punishment. Is it so wrong at the end of a horrible day, to just want someone by your side?
If I’m being brutally honest with myself, I disappoint myself. I need to return to the one thing that heals my soul – my writing. I’ve been away for a while. And if my legacy can’t be a great love, or children, or family, or the mark of a wonderful career, or any of those things, maybe just maybe it can be the message I send with my words. I want to write a book. I need to work on my poetry collection. And so I resolve to make it my mission to return to my only true salvation, my writing, my poetry. I will write the number of poems I need. Hopefully, some of my followers might even wish to buy my book one day. But even if the book never sees print and even if the poems reside only here or on paper in a pile somewhere, at least when my time comes, I will leave something behind worth seeing. I will leave something behind with great meaning. I will leave a part of me no one quite got to know. I will leave the most intimate part of my soul. And I will be proud to have let that piece shine when nothing else could.