Sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror and see who I used to be.
A young woman; vibrant, excited for life, playful.
I was never quite carefree, but I was definitely more trusting, more hopeful.
I remember the first time someone called me beautiful that wasn’t family,
someone who wasn’t expected to say so.
It struck me as so strange because all I could see were my faults.
Even now, I struggle with the things I once did better.
I battle with my body over appearances.
I have a love and hate relationship with myself.
Even when I’m happy, I’m aware of these things.
My fears haunt me at the strangest of times.
I can be completely content and they’ll unexpectedly tip toe into my mind.
I’m always so careful, so thoughtful, so calculated.
I analyze to a fault. I never do things without thinking.
But there is a part of me that wants desperately to take risks, to live differently.
Sometimes I just want to step outside of my body, my reality.
I want to float around untouched by pain, in the tiniest of bodies, with no imperfections.
I want to see her in the mirror and feel a sense of pride, feel whole.
Because when I look in the mirror, I see me, with these wounds.
I have holes in my soul, pain in my heart, emptiness where love should be.
I have scars on my body, weight on my stomach, and tears in my eyes.
I have lived, but I haven’t lived all the same.
There is so much I want to do and there doesn’t ever seem to be the time.
Do you ever wonder if you’ll reach the end and wish you’d just soared blindly ahead sometimes?
I’m grounded. That’s good I suppose, but what if I don’t want to be?
I want to travel, I want to experience things, meet people.
I want my energy back – the energy of a child but the mind of an adult.
I don’t want to go back and do things again, because I wouldn’t be here, or be me.
But I want to have the time back that I’ve lost getting here.
I want to have the energy, the life, the innocence that have suffered getting here.
I guess all I can do is go forward, one day, one moment at a time
hoping for more moments where I am OK with the person in the mirror,
as opposed to seeing all that is wrong.