Mother Ocean

It’s cold outside, much colder than I expected.
I’m shivering in the breeze, lying here on the sand.
I am staring at the lighthouse in the distance,
Hoping to turn off my mind for awhile.

My heart is aching from trying so hard lately.
I keep waiting to hear the fog horn,
in between my thoughts it should be booming,
but it’s calm and quiet for some reason.

The red flags are hanging from the lifeguard towers.
The clouds are floating in over the ocean,
The storm is coming tonight and the red light flashes weakly in the distance.
The light should be so much brighter than it seems.

I keep thinking if I focus on the storm for just a few minutes,
the storm brewing inside me might die down.
I’m frustrated and angry at life, at dating, myself.
Maybe I just waited too long to try again.

The waves are crashing harder than I’ve ever seen them.
It seems almost poetic, like they are playing out what’s rumbling in my head.
The shore is rockier than I remember.
Walking along the stones pierce my feet.

I close my eyes and stand still, let the wind whip through my hair.
I wish it could carry away my fears, my pain, my loneliness.
This is my safe place. This is my oasis.
The ocean is the one place I feel peace.

It lets me breathe, when I don’t seem to remember how.
I wish I could drive and drive until the water is at my feet every week.
Maybe then I’d find a way to accept what life has in store,
And what life seems to have forgotten for me.

I hate the thought of leaving, because it means I go back to reality.
For a short while, the ocean, she is my home, my blanket, my safety net.
She keeps me comfortable; she hears my thoughts; she makes it ok.
She calms me; she makes me smile; she wraps herself around me like a mother to a child in need.

I smell the seaweed, it’s stronger tonight than it’s been.
I take a deep deep breath, hoping to erase all other thoughts.
I’m lonely, wishing I was walking with someone special,
wishing we were holding hands watching the waves.

The saying is that we will find our soul mate when we least expect it,
when we stop searching for them.
But I stopped searching long long ago, I stopped living for me.
I lived for those I cared for and I put myself in a bubble.

I think perhaps I missed my chance.
Maybe I made choices that played with fate.
And maybe now life is what it is.
But I was ok with that before, until recently.

Something changed in me, gave way like the edge of a cliff with the pouncing of a storm upon it.
Something deep inside me has crawled back up to my surface and is begging me to let her out.
This part of me that believes in love and in hope and in dreams
she still believes in the fairy tail and she is beating on my door.

The waves are getting close to the shore line; the tide is rolling in.
It will be high tide very quickly now and I’m running out of sand.
The ocean tells quite the story, one very similar to my own.
She is often beaten and broken, but she is stronger each time.

To look at her from the outside, she’s just an overwhelming creature.
She might be hard to read if you don’t know where to look.
But if you watch how the waves caress the shoreline, if you pay close attention to her rhythm,
She isn’t so hard to understand after all.

I take one last glance out to sea.
I dig my feet into the sand as if to leave a mark.
I hate the thought of saying goodbye,
For the ocean is the best of friends and I can’t wait to see her again.

As for my heart, she is still broken and tired.
But for tonight, she’s going to let it all go,
And take in the night air, the salty ocean breeze,
And hope it cleanses her soul like only the ocean can.

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