Do you ever just sit down and listen to sad music, sing along, and let your emotions lead? I put so much of myself into everything I do. So every issue, every problem, every heartbreak is that much more amplified. Sometimes I dream of what it might be like to come home to someone, have someone waiting to take all the pain away.
I’ve been spending every waking moment preparing to take this certification exam. I’m terrible at standardized tests, so I’m working that much harder. Tonight, someone told me that God would never let me fail after all I’ve done to prepare, that He wouldn’t be so cruel. I definitely don’t think God is cruel, but I don’t think life is that black and white either. If God wouldn’t let something happen just because it would be difficult or unfair, well my father never would have had cancer. I wouldn’t have had my own cancer scare. I wouldn’t be 35 and single wondering if there is anyone out there meant for me. Bullying wouldn’t happen. Murderers wouldn’t exist. . . . right?
I believe life is a series of tests (ironic I know). But no, not awkward standardized tests, rather endurance character shaping tests. You keep getting tested until whatever the life lesson is sinks in. I’m not always a quick study.
I’m freaking out over this certification exam in part because it, like so many other things in life, wouldn’t seem so hard if I didn’t feel so lonely. I love my family. My supportive father has spent several evenings quizzing me in preparation. My family is good people (for the record that is grammatically correct even though it sounds so very wrong, family should be plural, it should be are, but I digress), sometimes a little nutty, but good. Still, they can’t fill a void that was never meant for them to fill to begin with. But as the song goes, I guess, “. . . for tonight I’ll be lonely too.” (Alison Krause and Union Station)