Unrequited

Under the dark ominous sky, I quietly rest.

Next to me is nothing but the stillness of the land.

Rain starts to trickle down upon me

Eerily darker grows the sky.

Quickly I run for shelter, now soaked by the rain.

Utter despair at the broken concentration

I was lost in a world all my own, focused and free.

Time was standing still as I collected my thoughts.

Everything should be so simple sometimes.

Despite my efforts, I am returned to a very real crazy world.

Love seems to escape me, never quite in my grasp.

Over and over again my heart beats alone

Violently it plays a mating call, unheard.

Ever falls the rain as I realize my latest chance has passed.

Engaged in a love song

An old love song is playing on my radio,

I’m humming along in the corner, focused only on it.

The words, the heartbreak, and pain ring true

as if someone were singing my thoughts.

I’m so engaged by the song I hardly notice the darkening sky.

Night is coming upon me now, the giant full moon peeking out of the clouds

shining softly on me as if to rest a hand on my shoulder.

I wonder if I wear my pain so visibly that anyone can see.

My world is so full, with but one gaping wound to fill.

Everywhere I look I’m hit with reality that maybe it just won’t be.

Maybe what we dream for ourselves isn’t what God wishes it to be.

How else can I explain an endless painful quest?

I’m taunted and teased by options I dare not choose.

The perfect man may be closer than I realize, but he’s not mine to lose.

Coming back

Sorry to any of my followers for disappearing there for a bit.  As you can tell from several of my writings, I have been preparing for a difficult certification exam.  I’m pleased to announce that is now behind me and can be checked off the “to do” list.  I hope to be blogging more regularly again soon.  Tonight, however, some much-needed rest is in store.  Please look for new posts from me soon! Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Singing along to a sad song

Do you ever just sit down and listen to sad music, sing along, and let your emotions lead?  I put so much of myself into everything I do.  So every issue, every problem, every heartbreak is that much more amplified.  Sometimes I dream of what it might be like to come home to someone, have someone waiting to take all the pain away.

I’ve been spending every waking moment preparing to take this certification exam.  I’m terrible at standardized tests, so I’m working that much harder.  Tonight, someone told me that God would never let me fail after all I’ve done to prepare, that He wouldn’t be so cruel.  I definitely don’t think God is cruel, but I don’t think life is that black and white either.  If God wouldn’t let something happen just because it would be difficult or unfair, well my father never would have had cancer.  I wouldn’t have had my own cancer scare.  I wouldn’t be 35 and single wondering if there is anyone out there meant for me.  Bullying wouldn’t happen.  Murderers wouldn’t exist. . . . right?

I believe life is a series of tests (ironic I know).  But no, not awkward standardized tests, rather endurance character shaping tests.  You keep getting tested until whatever the life lesson is sinks in.  I’m not always a quick study.

I’m freaking out over this certification exam in part because it, like so many other things in life, wouldn’t seem so hard if I didn’t feel so lonely.  I love my family.  My supportive father has spent several evenings quizzing me in preparation.  My family is good people (for the record that is grammatically correct even though it sounds so very wrong, family should be plural, it should be are, but I digress), sometimes a little nutty, but good.  Still, they can’t fill a void that was never meant for them to fill to begin with.  But as the song goes, I guess, “. . . for tonight I’ll be lonely too.” (Alison Krause and Union Station)

 

The waiting game

I’ve never been a very patient person.

Waiting is truly a challenge for me,

especially something so important

where I’ve invested so much indeed!

The clock ticks ever so slowly,

Yet I watch it more and more.

My heart beats heavily,

As the waiting takes its toll.

I worry while I wait,

No amount of pacing calms me down.

My stomach is tied in knots;

It seems no relief can be found.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

Another hour passes now.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

Unbundle my nerves somehow.

Waiting seems so very unfair,

no end in sight to my state.

There is nothing that can be done.

I have no choice; I have to wait!

With this adrenalin rush,

I could run several miles in a race.

Heck I could lose ten pounds,

If the waiting game keeps this pace.

I’m truly trying to take deep breaths,

put all worry to the side.

Into God’s hands I pray,

anything to make this fear subside.

The true fix is a simple one,

just break me from this pain

end the incessant waiting time,

and bring answers all the same.

But the waiting still does not cease,

and the clock seems to barely move,

laughing at me with every stroke.

What is time out to prove?

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

I’m still here waiting.

Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock

My patience, she’s fading.

Pushing onward and onward

I’m numb from staring at the computer screen for hours.
My mind seems empty, unclear, confused.
Concepts, ideas, formulas all scattered in the crevices
Buried due to lack of sleep, hunger, and exhaustion.
I’m starting to worry that maybe I can’t do this after all.
It all seems so much harder than I remember.
I’d probably be crying out of fear or panic, if I had the energy to make tears.
The resounding thought in my mind, “what if I fail?”
I’ll be embarrassed, discouraged, frustrated.
More importantly I’d be at square one, having to start again,
Losing my summer to endless hours of studying.
I want this; I need this; I’m working way too hard not to get this.
So all fears and doubt aside, I have to keep going.

My other half

With one look from his eyes I’m hooked,

drawn in, mesmerized by his soul.

He can make me smile, when I really want to cry.

He makes me feel when inside all has died.

He wakes me from a slumber, with intense passion.

He brings me to life with the stroke of a hand.

He brings meaning to my world, reminds me of life’s purpose.

He holds me tightly, warmly, keeps me safe from harm.

He is my deepest desire magnified a thousand times.

He is my dream, my future, I hope to one day find;

for he would truly be special, one of a kind.

He would in fact complete me, as the saying goes.

He’d be the other half of my empty, lonely soul.